Club Rules
Some day I’m going to open my own bar. Most of the details are already worked out, just need the capital and the gumption. In the meantime, here are the rules of the club. Competing club owners are welcome to steal these without recourse, in the interest of bettering humanity.
Bar Rules
1) We don’t care who you are. There is no list, there is no VIP, you get the same treatment everyone else gets.
2) Running a tab requires a credit card. Tabs will be closed out periodically so that you don’t “accidentally” go over your limit.
3) My waitstaff is here to serve you, however they do so at my leisure. If you are being an asshole, they have not only my permission but my insistence to tell you to fuck off. Which brings us to
4) No cocksuckers allowed. If you’re a piece of shit, a douchebag, or otherwise someone I don’t care to party with, you’re not welcome in my bar. Yes it’s a business for profit, but it’s also a business for fun. I didn’t start a business just so I could hate going to work at my own place.
5) Complaining loudly and to the right people will not get you free shit. If we screwed up, we’ll do our best to reasonably make it right but we will not give you everything just to make you happy. And if you threaten to never come back again, you just made our life very easy: Now we don’t have to comp anything.
6) If one of my guys asks you to leave, that’s the end of the conversation. You’ll be asked once. Told once. Then removed. We don’t employ asshole bouncers, but we also don’t fuck around.
7) If any of my people decides you’ve had too much (or even just had enough, or for that matter things you’re an asshole and says ‘no more’), that’s the end of the conversation.
8) If you get drunk, do something stupid, and are asked to leave, no hard feelings. It happens to all of us at some point. As long as you’re repentant, you’re welcome back next week.
9) We just want everyone to have a good time, anyone impeding that will be removed.
10) Don’t say you’re friends with the owner. My friends would never act like that. And if you were friends with the owner, you’d want to support his business instead of trying to take advantage of the friendship.
Dress Code
1) Dress for the season. If you’re wearing a wife-beater in December or a ski parka in July, you’re an asshole looking for trouble and will not be admitted.
2) No Affliction, Tapout, Ed Hardy, et al will be allowed. No self respecting person wears these labels. This isn’t about elitism, it’s about douchers taking claim to these labels as their official uniform. If you’re not a douche, don’t dress like one. This will be amended to include whatever douche-wear is applicable.
3) Hats are worn forwards or backwards. You look stupid any other way. Also tags, stickers, and labels must be removed for the same reason.
4) I don’t care if you’re fat, but cover that shit up. Male or female.
5) Conversely, just because you’re in shape doesn’t mean I want to know what you look like naked.
Drink Rules
1) Our prices are what they are. They’re as low as they can be and still be profitable.
2) Our bartenders are outstanding and they pour fairly. We free pour here so it’s more likely your drink is too strong, not too weak. I want you happy and coming back so why would I short pour you?
3) Try something new and don’t like it? We’ll make you a new drink, but let us know before you finish it off, eh?
4) If you’re here to get “fucked up,” get the fuck out. This isn’t college.
5) Finally, drinking isn’t about how messed up you can get and how stupid you can act. Drinking is an art form and should be treated as such. I’m not going to criticize your drink of choice but whatever it is should be savored and enjoyed responsibly.
Pretty simple, straight forward. What do you think? Did I miss any? let me know in the comments.
